a mother not made

pregnancy tainted

loss feared

past trauma

guilty

punished

steroids

itching

induction

waiting

epidural (unwanted)

offered incessantly

resolve eroded

liberty stolen

cannulation failed

too many times

bruises spreading

bruised

abused

legs in lithotomy

undignified

shackled

trapped on a bed

body on show

babies at handover

midwives unknown

faces a blur

all too vulnerable

skin cut

scars visible

memories lost

hurt tangible

second one breech

manipulated

turned?

dragged out from within

to join the world

resuscitaires on

people poised

waiting to take

my babies from me

snatched away

wrapped

separated

cold

denied skin-to-skin

less than an animal

feeling afraid

remaining unheard

feeding support

not forthcoming

bottles enforced

neonatal awaiting

hospital stay

dark and lonely

a door shut tight

a woman forgotten

family crowding

flowers ubiquitous

hugs taken

voices distant

released home

midwife visits

no time given

invaded

degraded

mechanical motions

passing the time

sadness lurking

rotting my soul

protective

destructive

abusive

deceptive (I'm fine)

vacant

not present

avoidance

unwell

fear of conception

omnipresent

unwilling to yield

to another one

ever

love stripped away

identity abandoned

an empty vessel

a mother not made