Team Awesome is on the up

This week between Christmas and New Year usually makes me maudlin, which is a vast understatement as this week usually sees me closing the door on the world and hanging my head woefully as I consider the numerous opportunities that I have missed and the swathes of time I have squandered over the past twelve months. I usually begrudge forgotten resolutions, friends not visited, plans not made, events not attended, endless amounts of things that I have failed at. Not this year. A year ago, I sat on the brink of qualification. I had just three short weeks in placement in January before I was to be signed off as a competent newly-qualified midwife, and I spent much of this week a year ago wondering whether entering into the world of midwifery had been a catastrophic decision on my part.

I began writing this a few days ago, and I was intent on focusing on the positives. I looked at what I had achieved and done and become this year, not because I am an eternal optimist but rather because the things I haven't done probably weren't meant to be anyway. I'm not massively bothered that I didn't run ten kilometres this year (I did go back to the gym and started running again), I don't particularly mind that I haven't signed off all my competencies that I need to at work (I have learnt more than I can recall right now, and there's plenty of time yet), it's more than acceptable that I didn't make it to my dad's 60th birthday lunch (I work shifts and more than a week's notice would have been useful). Telling you what I didn't manage to do would have done a massive disservice to all of the things (big and small) that I have done this year.

2018 has been an absolute melting pot of emotions. In January I finished my Masters, in February I survived (financially and emotionally) not working for a month, in March I started work as a midwife and spoke at a study day, in April I turned 34 (no mean feat considering that once upon a time I thought that the quicksand of mental health would swallow me whole before I reached 30), in May I threw my girls a birthday party, in June I went back to the gym, in July I graduated, in August I took my girls abroad for the first time on my own, in September I began my labour ward rotation, in October I have no idea what happened, in November I had an article published in The Practising Midwife, and in December I welcomed a Boxing Day baby. And I took stock of my life. Not of my life as it was once or how it may have been, I looked at the here and the now and was truly grateful for having a roof over my head, for no longer living in fear that my girls would be snatched away from me, for a job that pays the bills and that I happen to love, and for friends I share books, love, laughter, stories, dinner with.

This year the mentor has become a bona fide life guru and friend for life (I may get her a badge made if her name hasn't made it to the honours list yet), she's listened to me tell her time and again that I absolutely cannot be a midwife and/or a single mum and then she's watched me get through another day, week, month, season. This year I have cried fewer times that I thought I was going to, I've had to say goodbye to friends who have moved away, but we have renegotiated the terms of our friendship and we've kept in touch. This year I've walked across a stage wearing a ridiculous cap and gown, overcome with emotion because of what an achievement it was, unable to make eye contact with my tutor or my girls for fear of breaking down at the relief of having made it. This year I have taken ownership of my own clinic and I've had women take ownership of me, there are no better words to hear than 'I tell everyone you're my midwife'. I have given support and have been supported, I've welcomed new life into the world and have cried and laughed with women. I've watched my own children laugh and grow and learn and change. I've been frustrated beyond words by them and I've cried with pride at their achievements and at their beauty and intelligence. I've marvelled at how truly incredible women are. I've also been shocked by how mean some women are, how keen some are to rip others to shreds. I've reflected, practised, reflected some more.

A year ago I drew a picture that hangs on my wall urging me to run towards life. This year I've learnt to let people in, to embrace being a midwife. I've started to let go of the past and enjoy the now. I've stopped beating myself up for what should or could have been. I've learnt more about me, and I've tried to focus on the answer to the question 'what do you like doing?'. I've also howled and sobbed with sorrow at moments of despair and awfulness, but I've picked myself up and carried on.

2019 is going to begin the way I mean to go on, sipping champagne in my pyjamas surrounded by people who love me. I highly doubt that the sipping champagne part will last beyond two minutes past midnight on January 1st, but surrounding myself with people who love me will last long into the year. My resolutions for the coming year are simple: do things that make me happy; travel; read; scribble away more; laugh more; sing and dance more with my babies who are no longer babies; continue to make peace with being me; be grateful for the time I have got. The end of 2018 isn't making me sad, it's making me proud of the incredible year I have had and thankful to the amazing tribe who have listened patiently to me having a minor wobble or a major meltdown before they have steered me back towards the right path.

Team Awesome was born at the beginning of 2018 when I decided that Team Mediocre just wasn't going to cut it. Team Awesome isn't about being perfect, it's about working hard, laughing hard, supporting each other, being human but being invincible. Team Awesome is always there, even if in the shadows. It's the team that holds your hand on the absolute darkest of days and shares your victories with you, no matter how small. It's a tribe that loves you no matter what, but will hold you to account when necessary. Team Awesome ignites passion and enthusiasm, it drives you to want to be better, and it motivates you to be the midwife or the mum or the woman that you wanted to become. I've got a feeling that Team Awesome are going to achieve great things in 2019.