Iron Women

On your sixth wedding anniversary you're meant to give your spouse a present related to iron. Today is my sixth wedding anniversary. Two years and nine months ago I fled because he'd pushed me too far. We're still married (don't ask), but we're separated (very much so). Needless to say, no anniversary gifts were exchanged.

This past week has been tumultuous. Hysterical choking tears, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, anger, a tide of sadness, grief, and a bit more anger. It felt like the prelude to a day that marks out my inability to make my marriage work and prove that I was worthy of his love. I felt a sense of impending doom and injustice because being a single parent is bloody hard, particularly when all you want to do is sit on the floor and sob (not conducive to making packed lunches or ironing uniform, as it turned out this week). My moods have been placated by cake, tea, tough love, concern, hugs, friendship, stimulating conversation, fresh air, breakfast overlooking the beach, assurances that I'm loved just as I am, and small snuggly faces leaning in for kisses because I am enough.

This week, now that I can see more clearly because I've stopped crying and my eyes are no longer puffy and red raw, has actually been full of the iron women who cloak me in love, protection and encouragement when I need it the most. This wedding anniversary has actually been the best yet. Old friends who celebrated my wedding with me years ago were the focus of today. We've walked, talked, laughed, hugged, reminisced. These women have been in my life longer than my husband, and they'll be here for a long time to come, although they're now joined by the newer (but no less important) iron women who bolster and inspire me daily.

Instead of being about failure, my sixth wedding anniversary has been about survival, success, friendship and unconditional love. I've driven home singing (screaming) along to Lady in Red on the radio, and I've come home to a house that's full of love, laughter, sticky kisses, and music. Today is not about failure, it's about going home to a place of safety and just being me. It's about being loved just as I am. It's about the iron women who have saved my life. It's about self-respect and dignity. It's about valuing myself enough to never again utter the words “Please love me!”. It's about having the strength to walk away and rebuild my life. Boom, I've survived. Maybe I'm a secret iron woman...